Hi, I’m Justin, blah blah blah…..

I attended a Bible study tonight that consisted of a few guys I already knew, but some I didn’t. As these things normally go, there were a few moments dedicated to introductions. My father in law is a well known deacon at the church where this study takes place, so naturally I first spoke about my relation to him. I would have moved into what I do for work from there if a side tracking conversation had not developed, followed by information about my family. When introducing myself at work, I lead with a summation of my 13 year career and follow up with my family details or interests if more personal information seems appropriate.  That seems to be what most people I’ve encountered do, in a nutshell.

I won’t dive into specific details of our study, but tonight’s discussion required thought about what defines each of us. My immediate answer is my family, no contest. My wife and children are my priority in this life. I am a husband/father before all other things. Before you start thinking I’m husband/father of the year, let me point out there is an entirely different blog I could write about the 10 years I put everything else in front of my family, and yet another blog I could write about my current failures as a husband and father. Since my wife would have an infinite number of comments to add to those subjects, I am not going there.

Back to the subject at hand.  If my role of husband/father defines me why do I mention it last?  Why do I feel it necessary to mention things of lesser importance first?  I suppose the answer could be relevance, when it comes to the workplace, but is it really?  Maybe I should switch up the order from now on……….

If pants could really catch fire from lying, I would have went up in flames

Lying.  It’s something we all do.  I lie.  You lie.  Children lie.  You’re mother lies.  Calm down , I’m not insulting your mom. It’s simply a truth.  Everyone lies.  We’re human, it’s part of what we do.  I’m not saying it’s a good thing.  If you identify as Christian you know, according to God’s word, lying is a sin.  Does that stop us?  Of course not.  We may try to avoid lying, but you will lie at some point in the foreseeable future.  It comes natural and often a lie is easier to tell and to hear than the truth.

Why do we lie?  To avoid trouble, make a better first impression, or to make ourselves fell better about situations we’re not happy with?  These are only a few reasons off the top of my head.  There are all sorts of lies.  Big lies, little lies, white lies, red lies, black lies, purple lies.  A portion of the previous sentence is actually a lie.  Who’s ever heard of red, black or purple lies?  Most lies are easy.  Some are difficult.  This is an account of the most difficult lie I felt I had to tell.

April 05, 2006 was the day.  I would say the day started out as any other day but that would be a lie.  The truth is, Lindsey and I spent the majority of the night before in the Labor and Delivery department of our local hospital.    Lindsey was in labor.  False labor according to the nurse that sent us home twice.  Little did she know at 7:20pm the next day she would be proven wrong.  A few moments after, I would tell the most difficult lie I’ve ever told.

Backtracking a little, Lindsey’s labor was not easy.  Her placenta was shot because of her high blood pressure.  The baby was in distress.  His heart rate kept dropping.  The doctor finally decided  a C-section was the only option to save both baby and mother.  At 7:20pm they pulled him out of the womb and handed over to the nurses to do whatever it is they do to get a baby going.  All seemed good to start with.  The anesthesiologist encouraged me to make my way across the room to the warming table to take pictures.  I was excited to document his first moments of life for my wife would miss while the doctors sewed her back up.

Camera in hand, I made my way over to the warming table.  The baby was a little blue.  I didn’t think much of it.  I had never witnessed live birth before. A few moments went by and the nurses became frantic.  The baby went from blue, to shades of violet, and eventually he was black.  Not brown but black as coal.  At that moment it hit me.  He was not crying, which meant he was not breathing, which meant he was not living.  It felt like days had passed while I stood there paralyzed unable to help my child.  One nurse began CPR because his heart was not beating.  The other nurse picked up the phone and called code.  My heart sank.

At that moment the anesthesiologist noticed things were not as they should be and motioned me back up to my stool to the left of Lindsey’s head.  As I walked back up so many thoughts went through my mind.  What if she asks to see a picture?  What do I say?  How do I hide my heartbreak that my unborn child may never take his first breath?  How do I explain his heart is not beating?  We had experienced a miscarriage not long before she conceived this child.  I was certain if I let her know anything at all was wrong it would put her life in jeopardy.  She was still lying on the operating table in the middle of her operation.

As I sat back on my stool, she asked the hardest series of questions I’ve ever had to answer.  “Is he beautiful?”,  “Does he look like you?”, “Is he OK?” are all questions she asked.  It’s a good thing I had a surgical mask on which hid most of my face.  I took in a deep breath and told the most difficult lie I have ever told.  I said, “He’s fine. They are cleaning him up now and you’ll see him in a minute”.  I then turned away to glance at my lifeless child, hoping for a miracle I prayed for the first time in several years.

Another minute or so went by that seemed like an eternity.  Within that minute I thought about the lie I had told.  I knew if that precious baby never took his first breath and if his heart never took a beat some small piece of my wife would hate me for the rest of her life.  She would not be able to completely forgive me for the lie I had told.  I was ok with that.  I was not going to allow her to become upset during an operation.  If my lie kept her healthy it would be worth a lifetime of her hate.  All of a sudden, I noticed the anesthesiologist had made his way to the warming table.  I saw him reach out, touch the baby’s foot, and then I heard the sweetest noise I had ever heard in my life.  The baby began to cry!  A minute later, his skin color was peachy!  It was a miracle! 

                                           

Five years have passed since I told this lie.  I don’t think I will ever tell a more difficult lie.  What is the most difficult lie you have ever told?

Blood Thirsty

It’s 1am. Sleep began an hour prior. My wife comes to bed. I’m awoken just enough to roll over and snuggle up to her. I fall back to sleep quickly.

It’s almost 2am.  I’m awoken by my wife’s voice.  It takes me a minute to understand what she’s saying but I can tell she’s scared.  Something isn’t right.  My heart begins to pound in my chest. 

Approximately two minutes pass, I begin to understand. Someone had knocked loudly on our door.  Wife is still scared. No one should be knocking at this hour and we’ve had two somewhat recent break-in attempts.  Her fear is understandable. My heart beat slows.  My senses amplify.  I can see more clearly, hear better, I notice smells I normally don’t.  I get out of bed.

I begin to creep towards the front door, walking more quietly than normally possible.  Senses continue to be amplified.  I’m ready for anything.  I feel alive. Fear is gone.  I’m ready for war.

I get to the front door. I look outside.  No one is there.  I survey every last detail of everything in my view.  My senses are still heightened.  No one is there.  Must’ve been kids pranking.  I go back to bed but can not sleep.  Every noise is suspicious.  I keep thinking they have came back and I’ve become blood thirsty.

What your parents never taught you about anger…

Anger:  Five letters, two syllables, one word.  It’s not a big word,  it’s easy to pronounce, it’s even easy to spell.  What are we taught about anger as children?  I can’t speak for everyone but from my personal experience we’re often taught it’s wrong.  I suppose that isn’t such a bad thing, in most aspects, but in my opinion it leads to adults that are incapable of handling one of the most fundamental human emotions and eventually leads to hate.

If you don’t agree, take a look around your favorite social network site.  It doesn’t matter if you view Twitter, Facebook, or the ghost town of MySpace, you won’t have to look long before you see feeds from angry people full of hate.  People love to voice their own opinion but are often incapable of accepting an opposing opinion.  Arguments begin.  Feelings are hurt.  Friendships are broken.

I could be considered an addict to social media.  I love to follow interest on Twitter and keep up with family and friends on Facebook, but lately I’ve been somewhat “turned off” by all of the hate-filled anger that is being displayed as a result of America’s most hated terrorist being killed.  Democrat extremist hate Republicans.  Republican extremist hate democrats.  Ex-military personnel hate our President.  Gay’s hate Republicans.  Straight’s hate gays.  Islamic extremist hate America.  Proclaimed Christians hate all of the above.  Before you get all huffy, I’m not saying everyone that fits in the aforementioned categories are guilty of this behavior, but the trend does seem to be growing.

Having been a person full of anger and hate for a good portion of my life and knowing the destruction it can bring, my heart breaks for these people.  I know first hand once the seed, however small, is planted can grow large enough to consume an entire life.  It’s so easy to get in the routine of thinking hate-filled anger is normal, but it’s not.  It took the love of Jesus to pull me out of a constant cycle of hate.  If not for His grace, I would still be living within that cycle.

I’m not saying that it’s always inappropriate to be angry.  Jesus Himself became angry when the temple was being used for commerce, but He did not allow himself to become full of hate.  How do we, as a society, stop this cycle?  I don’t have that answer, but I think a good start would be loving each other and respecting opinions that differ from your own.  I said respect, not agree with. 

Hopefully this post will inspire change.

Yesterday….

I think I was eleven years old. We were sitting in the grass overlooking Ft Patrick Henry lake. The conversation is so vivid in my mind it’s as if it happened yesterday. Dad and I discussed several topics: school, marriage, sex, manhood, work ethic, and various other topics. I left with a lot of new knowledge and an understanding that hard work was required in all aspects of life to achieve success and longevity.

The key point I took away from that conversation was to always work hard. Through hard work I worked my way up at McDonalds to be a manager trainee. I left McDonalds to begin a career with my current employer. Better pay and benefits as a new hire in the collections department was too good of an opportunity to pass up. After five years of hard work I had earned a few promotions and a position doing non-phone work. Finally, I had a job title, of sorts – “Operational Specialist”. The title alone didn’t mean much but I had become burnt out on making phone calls so not working on the phones at that point was life changing. It was also a day job, BONUS!! No more working nights and weekends on rotation. Another few years of hard work earned a promotion to my current job. I got a raise, a new set of responsibilities, and a new job title, “Quality Specialist 3″. I quickly learned that title has absolutely no correlation to what I do on a daily basis, but as long as the paycheck comes in I can adapt to whatever the company wishes to call me. I did have to begin working weekends to support validation for system updates but I didn’t care. I enjoy my position so it’s worth the odd hours that are required at times. I have been very blessed with a thirteen year career and have always worked very hard and sacrificed a lot to get to the place that I am.

Early into the work day, yesterday, my department was called into a conference room. Eight of us made the journey upstairs. Deep down we all expected the worse since our workload has been drastically reduced due to changes in business strategy and off-shoring. As I walked into the conference room I noticed key players from upper management and Human Resources. In that moment, thoughts began to race thru my head. How will I feed my family? How will I make my mortgage? The list goes on. I had arrived before all but a few of my co-workers so I had to spend what felt like an eternity waiting for the others to arrive. The meeting began once all were present. Our Director proceeded to tell us that our jobs are in scope of a national review for “non-prod” work. Non-prod has always been a term I didn’t agree with. My group may not collect money, but we are very productive. The national review is to determine what tasks currently handled by my department can be transferred to other groups or centralized to other locations. We were essentially told our jobs would be eliminated in a matter of time. Our director seemed to be sad having to deliver the news. My direct manager also seemed upset, along with the Human Resources person, but that didn’t really provide any comfort. I was expecting my employment to end yesterday but that wasn’t in the cards…..yet.

After the meeting I felt a multitude of emotion. I thought about leaving for the day but decided against it. Might as well stay and finish a project instead of coming home to mope. I reached out to one of my best friends who happens to be a manager and started making lunch plans. I figured talking about it would do some good. That’s when the day took another turn for the worse. During our lunch planning conversation via IM my friend disappeared for about an hour. I finally received a text message that she had been offered what is commonly referred to as a “JD” package – a severance package. She’s no slacker, so the information was a complete shock. As the day progressed I learned there were multiple management positions cut. Suddenly feelings for my own situation were replaced with concern and hurt for many people I had developed meaningful relationships with over the years. Lives had been changed by simple business decisions.

Yesterday made it clear that while hard work is important it doesn’t count for much these days. Nine people who have put in a lot of hard work and dedication had their lives changed yesterday. Eight more, myself being one, are likely to be in the same situation in the near future. In today’s world where business decisions are made on a national level by people who have no direct relationship to those impacted we have all become numbers. Hopefully your number won’t be next.

The blog I didn’t want to write, but I asked a question and people answered.

Let me start off by saying I do not want to write this.  I will mention past behavior that I’m not proud of.  Many readers and family members will learn things they never knew.  Some that provided feedback may have a change of heart because of things I will mention.  I’m afraid others will think I’m boasting by listing the comments I received.  Knowing all of that, I will continue because I asked a question and several people sacrificed their time to provide an answer.  It would be unfair to them if I shelved the project and wasted their time.  Here goes nuthin…

Over the years I’ve heard a lot of people say “When I first met you I thought you were……but now that I know you your……” .  Last week, I was thinking about first impressions and how they can be wrong so I asked my Twitter and Facebook friends to message me with their very first impressions of me and their current impressions of me to help write this blog.  I thought it would be interesting to see how people’s opinions of me changed or didn’t change after getting to know me.  I assumed I would receive a lot of criticism pointing out my flaws, faults, and sins.  I was blown away when that didn’t happen.  I’ll list the comments I received because I said I would when I asked the question, but I’m hesitant because most are good.  I want to make it clear now that I AM NOT BRAGGING OR TOOTING MY OWN HORN.  I would urge you to stop reading here if you are unable to read on with an open mind.

Before I list the comments I want to spend a moment talking about what I expected.  I expected to receive comments referencing numerous character flaws. I’m often hard headed, a control freak, argumentative, quick tempered and at times I’ve been unforgiving.  I expected to receive comments about how adultery put my family through hell and because of that dishonor I’m undeserving of my wife and children.  I expected a few people from high school that I treated unfairly mention the pain and suffering they endured because of me.  I expected to receive comments about how my previous addictions hurt my parents and other family members and quite possibly ruined lives.  I expected to receive comments about how I treated my brother unfairly as he walked through the terrifying steps of preparing himself to reveal his sexual orientation.  I expected a few people that are friends with some of the women of my past to tell me what a jerk I had been because of how those women were treated.  None of that happened.

Why didn’t that happen?  I don’t know.  Maybe all of those people decided to keep their opinions to themselves.  Maybe I’m not worth the time it would take for them to voice their opinions.  Maybe they didn’t see me ask the question numerous times.  If any of you are reading this, I would offer the opportunity once again for you to speak your mind.

Before I go any further I’ll list the comments I received.  Afterwards, in closing, I’ll reveal what I have learned from this exercise.  Again, I want to point out I AM NOT BRAGGING OR TOOTING MY OWN HORN.  If you want to skip to the end that is perfectly fine.

 

• “When I first met you I thought you were a tough punk kind of guy.  Now that I know you I also think you’re a real sweet guy that may be semi insecure even though you shouldn’t be.”
• “I don’t really remember my first impression of you, that was way too long ago! Now you are a great father and a great hubby to my best friend! And you are like a bro to me!”
• “Before I actually met you, I heard a lot about you and it was all good.  You were, by word of mouth , one of the most helpful, nice people anyone could meet.  Then, I met you and it still holds true today.  I did however, think you were probably a tough guy…someone you wouldn’t want to cross.  I have since come to see that you really have a big heart with a lot of love for your family.  And you’re scared of bees (and flying ducks) so that kinda wipes out the tough guy thing.”
• “Well, to be honest when I first started working at Citi I thought you were a tough guy and kind of scary.  Now I think you’re just a sweet family man who works hard and likes to laugh.  It’s fun having people like you to work with.”
• “Bad ass with lots of attitude.  2nd impression.  Nice guy who loves Jesus and family.”
• “1st impression….wild child but very family oriented.  Funny with a dry sense of humor.  Now…Settled down with the perfect wife, great dad, still funny as hell, wonderful friend and family oriented.”
• “First impression, the best brother a person could have.  A brother that said via phone, I love you to his gay brother was outstanding to me.  It floored me to think there are actual guys (Men) Out there that not only love their brother but love their brother no matter what his sexual orientation.  The love you have for your big brother really filled my heart full that day.  Impression now:  The sweetest, most bragging dad I know, funny, determined, and a very hard working guy.”
• “I don’t want to seem like I’m blowing smoke up your ass, because I’m not but I’ll be honest so here goes….  My first impression of you was you were a pretty cool cat.  I was sent to temporarily help your department get caught up on some work.  You were very helpful and offered to help me eventually get into that department…which you did.  I always appreciated it.”
• I have known Justin for a couple of years and we became friends automatically. My first impression of Justin was that he was funny and he had an opinion and solution about everything. Justin would do anything for anyone and he was always quick to help whenever he could. The more I came to know Justin the more I came to know the guy behind the wise cracks and funny jokes. Justin always seemed unsettled in a lot of areas of his life. He struggled with relationships with his wife, family and God. Although he always had a solution for everyone else’s problems, he couldn’t seem to get a grasp on his own. We often had conversations regarding our marriages and beliefs in religion and what I heard from Justin in these conversations were anger and bitterness and he would always take the easy way to solve things. One day Justin sent me an IM saying that he had went to church with his wife and that he had made the decision to rededicate his life to God. Wow, did he ever. For the first time I saw a light about Justin that defeated the anger and bitterness allowing all of his good characteristics to surface. I have seen Justin change into a Godly man in every aspect of his life and he is such a reflection of how God can change and work through someone. I have seen Justin struggle and face temptation in his new walk with God, as every Christian does, but the same situation that he handled poorly in the past is now handled with wisdom and God’s guidance. I often think Justin does not realize the evident change in his life and in the midst of these changes how he is helping and inspiring others. A few years ago if someone had told me that one day I would be asking Justin for prayer or words of encouragement, I would have probably laughed but Justin is a true reflection of God’s capabilities. The Justin I know today will go great places and with his servant’s heart for God, he will touch the lives many. Actually, he already has.

I definitely do not feel worthy of all of these comments, but what have I learned?  I’ve learned my own impression of myself is far worse than the impression others seem to have.  I’ve learned I may have held on to the past more than anyone else did.  I’ve learned living with guilt does no good.  I’ve learned that focusing on the bad has made me less than what I am.  These comments have shown me I need to let go and let God work thru me because I am greater than all of the mistakes I’ve made because of Him.

P.S.  I still feel this blog is boastful and I sincerely apologize if you feel the same.  

God works best on atypical days..

Today started out like any other Monday.  My alarm clock on my phone went off, I cut it off.  Ten minutes later my real alarm clock went off, I reset it for fifteen minutes.  It went off again, I cut it off, got out of bed, read my email, and then showered.

By the end of my shower I had talked myself out of calling into work so I got dressed, packed my lunch, and drove on in.  Once I arrived I quickly learned systems were down. Monday became not so typical in that moment.

After three hours of filling my work day with odds and ends I’d been putting off, I gave in and took the rest of the day off.  Stopped by a friends house on the way home to have a cup of coffee and conversation.  A lot of exciting things had happened over Easter holiday, we were both excited to share.

Somewhere during this conversation we decided to help one another mow but couldn’t get started right away. Kids and ill spouses needed to be fed so all of a sudden here was an impromptu trip to Chef’s Pizza, and lunch was served.

Before lunch could be finished the storms rolled in.  After a couple of hours of waiting it out it was clear no mowing would be done.  Couldn’t get home just yet because I had dropped my van off at home on the way to get pizza and the friends teenager was getting home from school soon.  He was in a bit of trouble that had to be dealt with first.  It was no trouble for me to hang out and let parenting take place.  I sat in the living room playing words with friends thinking about how one day my sons will be teenagers.  I will be praying for patience between now and then.

Once I got home things were pretty normal.  I wrote a blog that would have been published tonight but will now be published tomorrow because of this one. Eventually the inlaws came over for dinner. Both kids began taking turns crying. I got stressed, the 5 year old went in timeout. At one point I made the comment that if one more kid cried I was moving out.

I escaped into the land of the smartphone and read a blog written by a lady I barely know.  She recently lost her unborn child and mentioned that she no longer takes her living children for granted any longer and things that used to get on her nerves no longer do.  This reminded me of my children that went to be in Heaven before they were ever born. Immediately I feel shamed for feeling the way I did in a moment of stress. My living children’s cries all of a sudden become beautiful again.  All thanks to me being directed to a twitter profile I hardly ever review that had a link to a blog about another family’s loss.  God worked tonight in a way I never expected he would.

Sparks

Four months ago my youngest son was born. I don’t know why, but around the same time I allowed the enemy to put doubt in my head about my faith, my church, and my family’s place there.  Instead of talking with someone about it I stewed in my thoughts and backslid in my relationship with God.

This week God has taught me many lessons, a few of which I will write about later. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is when the enemy starts knocking, I’ve gotta start praying. Cant really have a meaningful relationship with God if I’m not willing to fully rely on Him.  The second biggest lesson, my faith is no good for the Kingdom unless I put it into action.  I had the opportunity to do that today and it was AWESOME.

I feel a new spark. I’m praying it leads to a fire.

Tribute to Johnny Hood: “The Deacon”

Johnny Hood.  A man I call “The Deacon” because he is just that, a deacon in his local church.  Johnny is my Wife’s father, my father in law.  Here is my tribute to Johnny Hood.

Johnny has always been a pleasure to be around.  He’s always joking and getting in trouble with my mother in law, Pam.  I have to admit, some of the trouble he finds is my fault for leading him into topics of humor she doesn’t approve of.  Nothing wrong with good clean-ish fun, right?  Johnny’s love for Christ, family, and the church is second to none.

Lately, we’ve been afforded the opportunity to get together with Johnny more often.  Last night we were blessed with the opportunity to accompany him to Lamplight Theater’s production of Friend of Sinners.  Johnny, in his normal fashion, was talking loudly to Billy Wayne as he preached, talking to the actors as they presented the play, and talked openly to God Himself throughout the entire night without a care in the world of who heard him.  Watching Johnny’s version of “dance” during the singing portion of the evening brought a smile to my face and laughter to my heart.  During Johnny’s attempt at “dance’”, my wife pulled on my hand and said jokingly “He’s Crazy”.  I couldn’t help but smile and remember Matthew 18:  3.) and said, “Truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4.) “Whoever humbles himself like this child is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”  ESV

It was apparent last night that Johnny has become like a little child in his walk with Christ.  He is a role model that I love him very much.  Thank you Johnny for being the man you are for your family.  I’m glad that I’m a part of it.

PS.  If you were wondering, I’m already in his good graces so this is not an attempt to kiss his old wrinkly butt.

playtime ends when adulthood begins

Do you remember what it was like to play as a child?  Have you ever thought about that pivotal point in your life when play time became less important and you began to fill your time with more adult-type activities?  I hadn’t seriously asked myself these questions until recently, when watching my son play T-ball.  I used to love baseball.  I dare to say at one point baseball was my life.  Every waking moment was spent either playing baseball, watching baseball, checking the current value of my baseball card collection in the latest price guide,  or daydreaming about one day being in the major leagues.  Life was great because of baseball!

Watching my son learn the game of T-ball has rekindled some of the love for the sport that has been lost over the years.    My rekindled connection with this interest has  prompted me to find a cap that  fits..  For so many years a baseball cap was a large part of my identity.  Other than going to school, my head was never naked.  This may come as a shock to those who didn’t know me back in the day since I haven’t worn a cap in 12+ years. 

Before I bore you to death reminiscing, I’ll get to the point.  I’ve asked myself the same questions I’ve asked above over and over these past few weeks.  I’ll touch on the most pivotal situation from my life that forced me to grow up.  When I hit the sixth grade my father began a journey that continues to this day; mental problems.  I never understood how my father, who was once such a loving and influential part of my life, could all of a sudden have a completely different personality, be hospitalized, and essentially be taken away from our family.  I spent many nights trying to make deals with God so He would make my father better.  My end of the deals I thought I had made were impossible for anyone to uphold.  As a result,  I developed  a strong sense of guilt for my fathers condition.  I felt my broken promises to God were the reason my dad could not get better.  This eventually turned into a resentment of my Heavenly Father that I may touch on in a future blog.  All of this was a lot for a 12 year old to handle so I lost interest in almost everything, but mainly in baseball and all other activities from my youth.

In closing, After pondering these questions the past few weeks I’ve decided it’s time to reintroduce play into my life.  I’ve spent a lot of time these past couple of years letting go of guilt, resentment, hate, and anger but had always felt like something was still missing.  I think the missing element is play.  Anyone up for a game of catch?